Before
I See You
"I've been planning to court you for a long time. I've been screaming to say 'I love you, Shayla'. I've been loving you since the moment when I first saw you. I know I had been unreasonable but--" said Mace wholeheartedly and knowingly he would be rejected.
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Those words are the things that I'm afraid the most because it will be never be real. I ran away from him as soon as I can and I'm such a terrible person for doing so. Then I fainted...
I picked up on his actions, telling me what he truly feels and my heart beats so fast of fearing that I’m going to die. I always thought of a friendly gesture since we only had several interactions and to keep myself at peace. I never saw the way he looked at me and I’m afraid to love of any kind.
I always saw my parents fighting as if I weren’t there, hearing them. My parents disagreed on everything and the one thing that they could agree on was to leave me and my little brother behind with Justine, their mutual friend. I’m only six years old and Stellan was only two. Also, how loveless could they be to their children? Since then, they never saw each other again or even visited us. Two years after, I and my brother became a part of Justine’s family. I felt trapped in fear that it might happen again.
Justine is trying her best to shower me and Stellan with love, but I pushed her away and even Stellan. As I saw her, it reminds me of how my parents should have been and made me angrier at my parents. It hurts to love again and I would never want to feel that way again. Her parents showered us with love and wishing that my grandparents were more like them.
Those moments gave me hope in believing that there’s love. I treasured them and they are a better family than I used to have. Everything changes when Justine died while saving me. Love in my heart is nothing but darkness. I wished there’s no love, to begin with, and I can’t help myself to kill myself. As I saw Stellan, it made strong to recover and I pulled him closer to me. And loved him more including my grandparents.
I and Stellan moved to our adopted grandparents. They had a neighbor named Mace who shown me a great kindness that I fear the most. Mace is really close with them and its hard in seeing him every day. Plus, Stellan is fond of his little sister. It made me angry at my parents for destroying my life.
After my sixteenth birthday, my parents came and asked us to come home to either them. They are fighting again for our custody. They all ever do is fight all the time. My little brother wanted our family to be whole again. It freaked me out and I screamed at them as loud I could.
I gathered all of my courage to speak up to them that I never had the gut before "YOU WANT ME AND STELLAN BACK!!! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT FOR ALL THOSE YEARS AGO! I want you to go away and never come back! You don’t even love us and the two of you are fighting all the time. You left us with your friend and you never showed your faces since then! None of you took us in and your parents are the same as well. My love was destroyed, and my life was destroyed too; all because...
because of you diabolical parents. After all of those years, you still expect us to want you back! I've been hurt and I've been
thinking of killing myself since I was seven. My mother, Justine is the only parent that I will ever know. Don’t fight for my custody and take Stellan because he still wants you. I am happier without you in my life even you are the reason why I am here!”
Shayla stormed out of the room and into her bedroom. She curled up on her bed and cried once more. Her tears were a combination of anger and happiness that she felt before and now. She was angry at them and was happy that she finally spoke and stood up to her parents. She felt free that she was finally looked at them in the eye and told them how she truly feels. Thinking to myself that this not supposed to celebrate my birthday and thank goodness, I want a small birthday
Stellan said “Shayla knows that I wanted your love and after hearing everything, none of you deserve us. Don’t fight for our custody anymore, I’m with my sister. She didn’t tell me anything about you guys, and I can see why. You don’t deserve our love. As Shayla said, we are much happy without you in our life even you gave birth to us”.
Stellan knocked on my door and told me what he said to our parents. I'm grateful that he stuck out for me. I went out of my room and asked them "When my mom died, why you didn’t come back for us?”. I knew it that my biological parents stared at each other hopelessly finding an answer. It was given since they never bothered to care for us.
My biological mother said “We knew about Justine’s death but we don’t know how to act on it. Our parents never accepted our marriage and we tried so hard to make it work. Then we started fighting a lot worse than before”
My biological father continued “And it spiraled down out of control. In the end, we lost that love. We moved back with our parents and get our life back on track. Seeing each other again made us feels worst”
I got the closure that I needed but they never mentioned how much they loved us. After that happened, they went right back like I last saw them. I’m at my worst and I don’t want to talk about love ever again. Love was still I fear the most and I don’t want to bring myself in that position ever again.
A few days after my sixteenth birthday, Mace said those words and I ran away from him. Then I started to have a panic attack and told him to leave me alone. He must be crushed especially after what I’ve said. He wouldn’t understand. That kind of love is my greatest fear since childhood. And anything regarding love is the one I hate the most thanks to my awful parents. This is the moment wherein I fainted.
Their constant fighting had me traumatized for years and I’ve been through a lot of therapists just to get rid of my trauma. After what I and Stellan said, they are still fighting for our custody. Fighting again for our custody and did some shady things that made the judge place a restraining order. The only good thing about them is that they gave me and Stellan a better life.
I tried to avoid Mace until graduation, but he was consistent in keeping an eye on me and still chatting with my grandfather. I’m somehow okay with it but still feels weird. I recovered slowly and started making friends again. It felt good to have friends that can count on.
I and Stellan forgave our parents and started seeing them again separately after the release of a restraining order, this coming summer. I’m so excited to meet my two sets of half-siblings. It’s hard to forget what happened but I will slowly recover in time. Somehow, my fear is slightly gone, and I couldn’t help myself to fall in love with Mace.
After my high school graduation, I rushed to Mace and kissed him as hard as I could. He kissed me back deeply and I felt butterflies in my stomach. His kiss felt warm and perfect that made me want to this forever.
It’s hard for me to feel this kind of love and the future is uncertain. Love is one thing that I hate, and I fear the most in the world. It just nothing but darkness and as I reacquainted with love, love is just part of life. I don’t fear love unlike before. I’m glad that I took a chance on love…
ABOUT THE STORY...
The story talks about a girl who has philophobia or fear of love. The story didn't start out that way. I originally plan about a girl who never saw love until she met Justine, Justine's parents, and Mace. It's kind of like 'Before I See Love, I was a mess...' As I'm done with the story for the first time, it felt missing something and reading it again, I thought to myself that I can do more with it. I tweaked the storyline and added a couple of things. I searched more about philophobia. And that's how this story got to this point...
It felt complete when I added in the fear of love. If not, it won't have this deeply emotional journey that she goes through. Mace is sort of representing the idea of her recovering from fear. Mace is the fear that is hopeful to recover. When she starts to fall for Mace, it is giving her the idea of hope. Hope that she desperately needs in her heart which she longed for in her life.